It seems that nowadays, in the age of clitoral suckers , all women can enjoy climaxing. Yes, now there may be more women capable of achieving it alone, but the reality is that many, what they do not get is to share it.
If we pull the bibliography, the study Ficción Vs Realidad en el Sex or by Bijoux Indiscrets provided a lot of light in this regard. 22.5% of the women surveyed said they did not reach orgasm during sexual intercourse and 30% acknowledged that their orgasms were much better during masturbation. In fact, up to 52.1% of those surveyed said they had ever faked an orgasm.
They are not just numbers. Personalities like Lilly Allen have recognized faking their orgasms. During the presentation of the new Womanizer vibrator, the singer claimed not to have had an orgasm until her twenties. Allen has thus started a campaign in favor of female masturbation, since, according to Womanizer data, on average men masturbate 156 times a year; women only 50 by comparison. But is the problem still just that we don’t masturbate enough or are our partners the ones who don’t know how to stimulate us?
Not finding the perfect lover
“It is common for many women to be able to masturbate and reach orgasm without any problem alone, but when they do have a sexual encounter, they have difficulty enjoying and feeling those orgasms. Knowing how to have them alone can help a lot, but it is not a guarantee in itself ”, advances the sexologist Ana Lombardía.
At this point, there are usually two situations. One of the usual ones is that we have a stable partner and, for different reasons, we are not able to achieve an orgasm with it. The worst thing to do? Pretend and deceive not only the other person, but deceive ourselves. Because the bigger the lie, the more difficult it will be to get out of it.
But beware, having occasion lovers is not a guaranteed pleasure insurance either. Not much less. “When we go to bed with a new person or that we have just met, it is usual that the sexual relationship is not completely fluid. It is difficult for us to coordinate, communicate, let ourselves go … it is normal to be nervous.
This implies that many times we will not feel so much pleasure, it will be difficult for us to get excited and reach orgasm ”, points out Lombardía. If we take into account that many times we are chaining short relationships for long periods, it is not so strange to spend time having sex, but without enjoying orgasms.
It is important to keep in mind in this context that there is no single reason to be a bad lover. Ana Lombardía reports multiple situations in order not to feel satisfaction in sex: not knowing how to masturbate the partner, not knowing how to approach oral sex, going too direct to penetration, moving badly during it, not giving time to female pleasure and ending the relationship when hers ends, or just feeling that he is very clumsy in the way of touching and stimulating, well, in general. It is clear that there is much to improve.
The reasons, according to the expert, are also many. “Since you feel very insecure, having had little experience, being too obsessed with pleasing or, on the contrary, being too selfish.”
A bad combination of factors
The psychologist Marina Castro has been giving workshops on female pleasure for years, both to men and women. His conclusion is that it is not that there are always bad lovers (which too), but that the problem is a bad combination of many factors. Come on, the perfect cocktail of the impossible orgasm.
“In many cases it has to do with attitude. They alone are focused on enjoying, but when they are in a couple they focus on pleasing ”. On the other hand, you meet many men who want to please their partner, but do not have the tools to do so. And they turn to porn, basically, because they can’t find another reference.
A resource that does not help them much either. “I find many men with many sexual difficulties because of it, they believe that the correct way is to ‘comply’ with a good size, a good erection and last long enough in the penetration for her to reach orgasm”. As if it were an exam. In the end, they live sex with a lot of frustration for not meeting all these goals ”
This attitude does not make it easy for them either. “If you are with a partner all the time, whether you like what they do or not, if you need to know if they do it well or if they comply, it also puts pressure on them.” The conclusion is that we must not blame one or the other, but assume that both of us must change the way we approach sex.
As Castro insists, given the lack of sexual education and the taboo and prejudices that still exist around self-discovery and sexuality when we are younger, it is logical that we learn by imitation. And there are few examples beyond porn. So it is not so unusual to end up in a workshop on sexuality when we are adults.
Believe it or not, these workshops have to go to the basics and we know the physiology of the human body for reproduction, but nobody explains how it works for pleasure. “In this way we understand why penetration is the least effective sexual practice to reach orgasm.”
This is not the only pending task. Sometimes orgasm does not come not by not touching the key points, but because it is our mind that does not let us reach it. Another of the exercises that Castro usually proposes in his workshops is to let the attendees, especially women, complete a sentence: “The woman who likes sex is a …”.
And according to her, it comes out of everything. And nothing pretty. Something that obviously conditions pleasure. “They end up thinking that they have to like sex, but they don’t have to like it too much.”
Search together for the lost orgasm
The solution to get out of this loop is as simple as it is complicated: improve communication with your partner. Whether stable or occasional. From Sexacademy they are also experts in workshops on female sexuality. One of its workshops is Lydia Parrilla, a psychologist, sexologist and trainer. She says this is the solution, but that it is not always easy.
“For many people talking to others about sex is something that costs them a lot.” And so we only manage to extend the problem to infinity.
“In our workshops what we try is to create a discerning place, where shame is removed, where we can talk about real concepts, without fear. In this way, we avoid going out to look for that information on the net, the most consulted place, and that creates more confusion ”.
Once the shame is over, what we lack is to have a little assertiveness and empathy. Telling someone that they are a bad lover is not the best way to motivate them. “It is essential that you try to change the situation using positive messages.
That is, instead of saying, “You are terrible in bed,” try to focus on the positive. For example, make requests of the type “I would like you to …”, contributes to conclude Lombardy. Nor is it ideal to have “the talk” right at the time of sex, when we are most insecure and exposed. Doing it in front of a wine or taking a walk will make the subject arise with less tension and that we can approach it in a more relaxed way.